A couple of weeks ago, I received this Facebook message from my pastor:
I (and the church family) would be most honored if you and Jaime could present a "faith story" for one of our Lenten services.....Perhaps March 6th? It doesn't have to be complicated.....I think what you could offer would be really inspiring and meaningful....Your friend, Mark
My stomach immediately jumped into my throat, my heart started beating quickly, my palms started to sweat....I instantly wanted to say, thanks, but no thanks....however...I thought about it for a while, talked it over with my sister and we agreed that this was something we probably could do.
I like to talk...and I talk a lot....but when it comes to talking in front of big groups...I get super nervous...I seriously can feel my heart pounding more and more as I sit here and think about talking in front of people...ridiculous!
When I thought about my faith journey and what faith means to me...I really thought that maybe I should just have my other sister, Sarah, do the speaking. She is one of those people that just radiates faith as well as trust in her faith. She really is an inspiration...
I put this task off for a couple days, then started to have anxiety and realized that I needed to do this so just get started....
I started with bullet points but then I just couldn't stop....my sister Jaime started writing too, we sent each other what we came up with, and they were pretty similar...so...we then had to combine them....
When we were finished telling our story...I felt like we talked to quickly...I stumbled over my words....and in the end, I wasn't quite sure that we even talked about what we were supposed to talk about!
We had many people come up to us after church and thank us for telling our story...that felt great...people enjoyed it, thank the Lord (literally!)
It was really nice to actually write out my faith journey, where I had been, where I am now, and what brought me here...
The following is what my sister and I said...or what we intended to say...Jaime is in red, I am in blue.
This I’d have to say is one
of the hardest ‘easy’ tasks that I have probably been given. When asked to share my faith story, I
thought, ok, no problem. Thoughts go through my head of what to say and share,
but then to ‘co-write’ seemed a bit cumbersome, until I realized that Melissa
and I have very similar stories as we should, we are sisters after all.
Without going too far back, I need to start at the beginning, of
course with a little about us. Growing up, Melissa and I
along with our parents and other 2 siblings, grew up on a farm 10 miles North of Dover. Our life was
simple, go to school, help our dad with chores in the barn, help our mom with
chores in the house and on Sunday’s, attend church and Sunday school and have our ‘family day’. Our mom was the superintendent of the Sunday School that we attended,
well, religiously. My earliest memories
of life in general have always included being active in the church although as
a small child, the sermons took FOREVER, mostly because I didn’t understand
them. My favorite memories of church
were getting dressed up for holidays (especially Easter), Christmas Eve
services where I got to hold my very own candle, Palm Sunday where we got to
keep the Palm leaves after the service, Sunrise Service standing around a fire
and having church outside and in the Spring when they opened the windows on a
nice day and looking outside at the sun, smelling the fresh air, hearing the
birds sing and thinking, God made ALL this!! It made me smile!
My earlier memories of Sunday school was having fun. At the same time it was a little different
because I didn't know all that many people as we went to school at Dover-Eyota
and went to church in St Charles. I remember sitting in church at about 10 or
12 years old and really trying to pay attention to the sermon and get "that feeling".
I would often walk away disappointed each Sunday as I just didn't understand
what the big deal was...I didn't know if it was just me or if other people
would just "fake" their interest in the weekly sermons. I just went with it and continued going every
Sunday, I mean I was too young at that point to make that decision on my own
anyway.
When I was 13 and Melissa, 11, we moved
from the country to the ‘city’..well, St.
Charles. What a whole new world this
was for me!!! I was definitely affected
the most by this change. I began to question the authority of my parents, the
authority of most any adult and sadly, my faith. Church, was the LAST place
I wanted to be on a weekend, but I went,
just not much at all. I had begun
confirmation at this point as well. I
think in a way I looked at it as some way (deep down) to maybe re-spark my
interest in church. I will say honestly the only things I can really remember
from confirmation are learning the Lord’s Prayer, going to a Synangog,
attending a few Lock In’s (in which were not fun to me at all as I always felt
out of place since most of the kids there were from St. Charles and I attended
Dover-Eyota schools). I remember going to another event and not even sure what
it was but I believe it was along the lines of Super Night in which the spark
of enjoying church was there, which was very encouraging to me.
When I was the age to be confirmed I, too, felt as if I never
really got anything from it. I saw it as
more of a social time, time to hang with friends and talk. During confirmation, St. Charles and Dover churches combined, so I knew people from the Dover church. Our pastor at the time never really seemed to
reach out and try to teach is what we were going through during this part of
our faith journey. That during this
time, you are fortunate to be given the opportunity to be able to stand up and
show people, your congregation, your community, your family, your peers that
you are mature enough and interested enough in your faith that you are ready to
make the decision to respond to God’s Grace with your commitment to your
faith.
I have always felt kind of cheated because I really didn't get
anything out of that experience. I had a difficult time with my faith after
that point...I felt like "oh I went through the motions of doing what I
had to do to get confirmed...I'm good" I felt like I was missing something
with my faith...I just couldn’t feel connected.
Looking back, I am surprised that I didn’t cling to my faith more seeing
my sister and my family go through so much in such a short amount of time.
I continued to spiral downward as the years went on. I lost control
of myself and was SO busy trying to ‘find myself’, I had TOTALLY and completely
lost God and was so wrapped up in myself, remember thinking, ‘Well what has God
ever done for ME!! I put my family through so much heartache and frustration
because I was so oblivious to anyone or anything, unless it concerned ME. There
were moments that I DID miss my family and our ‘traditions’ and it was weird to
me that church was one of those things I missed, but that was one of the last
places you’d catch me at, especially with my family, my sisters who had so many
‘goodie’ friends and were involved in things and my parents, who knew nothing!
Unfortunately I hit absolute rock bottom and I was only 15 years old!
This included a number of things but the worst, I was no longer living at my
home. I was THE definition of a ‘parents worst nightmare’. I remember going to
my parents one day though and finally saying ‘HELP ME, I can’t do this
anymore!!’ I didn’t feel welcomed
anywhere anymore and lost every friend I had known and gained every type of
friend one that no one ever wants to have.
I spent the next few years after that, ‘finding myself’ again but a new
me! I was welcomed back at home, started taking interest in school again (I
will add here that although I was not living at home, there was never a day
that I missed school) and regaining a relationship with my family and God. I
was so thankful to him that he gave me such an amazing family who offered me
the forgiveness I needed.
Everything was uphill from there (mostly). I
became a mother to Jaydan right after I graduated, then a few years later my
son Devon. God had truly given me 2 beautiful blessings!!
Now that I had regained all the relationships that I had lost, I was
still missing something. I started attending church again, in hopes of filling
that void. With being a new, young mother also, I wanted my kids to have the same religious upbringing as I had. By this time we had a new Pastor, and she was amazing! I could feel a connection with her and
enjoyed going to church again!! I think this was an ‘A HA’ moment for me. I
knew at this point ‘what God had done for me’! He gave me such an understanding and forgiving family, 2 beautiful
kids and my best friends back, my sisters who were as equally understanding and
forgiving (of course if may have helped that we are living under different
roofs at this time). I even became a faith
partner for my cousin who was in
confirmation!!
I stayed a casual member of the St Charles church going here and
there when I felt like it had been too long since I've been to church....I felt
as if I had to fill the quota. I can
remember ever since I was young, we always seemed to have new pastors every 5
years or so, it was always difficult to ever feel connected or comfortable with
any previous pastor. That made it even
more difficult to fill that quota....I felt like a stranger in the congregation...I
remember one Sunday sitting in church....someone turned to me and said"
welcome to our church, it's always good to see new faces" apparently I
wasn't filling the quota quite as well as I had thought...
During college, I took a Biblical Christianity class, this class
was amazing. I felt something I had never felt before, I felt comfortable. I felt comfortable asking any question to the
teacher, who at the time was a pastor. I
felt comfortable talking with my peers about our beliefs and our take on
different Bible stories. I had never felt this before, it made me excited, it
made me interested, it made me want to engross my entire being into figuring
out the lessons that were being taught to us through Jesus’ life and death and seeing God
and His workings everywhere! I never before had felt comfortable asking
questions about stories in the bible, about people in the bible...I alwasy felt that if i did, I would get “the look”, like," how do you not know this or that about the Bible".
I didn't understand when people had learned this stuff...did I miss some super
important day at Sunday school where they taught us everything about the Bible
and its meaning? It wasn't until after this Biblical Christianity class that I
came to the conclusion that you learn about this stuff by discussing it and
asking questions and while you are doing that, your faith grows, you
understanding grows, your trust in God grows.
I learned that often times, others where just as confused as I was or were
wanting to ask the same questions that I had wanted to ask. My interest in church and getting a real
"grown up" grasp on my faith peaked during that class, I am forever
grateful that this class was a part of my life.
It was one of my life’s “Ah-Ha” moments.
I started attending church more frequently at this point, we had an amazing pastor at the time so I was in a good place. However, after I was married, our pastor retired. This was difficult for me, I felt like I was
ready to take on this new found excitement in my faith and I was so happy with
our current pastor, I felt connected, not so much with the congregation, but
with the pastor. I felt comfortable with
her; she was so different from any other pastor I had met at the time. She
was very passionate about her life, her church, her family, her
congregation.
After she had left, I started to feel myself lose the interest
again, I knew it was not something I could let happen, and I knew it was
something that I needed fulfilled in my life. I needed to find a wonderful
pastor and church family to call my own.
To keep this interest and need I had fulfilled. I felt a responsibility to my children that
they be given the love from their church and congregation and for them to feel
at home with their church family.
Unfortunately, at the same time as Melissa, I also lost interest in
church. I am not good with change!!! I stopped attending church and felt that
void again. I told myself that I needed to give it a try, it is still that same
church that I grew up in, nothing changed about that, but who was I to judge
that I wouldn’t be as engaged because something is new. I sure tried but was
never able to find that feeling I had, not because of the Pastor but that there
wasn’t that happy feeling that I remembered. Things just weren’t the same. The
congregation wasn’t the same. I needed to find what that happy feeling again.
Changing churches was really difficult for me. My parents were
married in my previous church; I was baptized, confirmed and married there as
well. I felt as if I had an obligation
to stay, we had history and I felt guilty about changing, however after praying
about it, a lot, I knew it was something I had to do, it was something I owed
to myself. and my family. I can truly say that being a
part of this church, I am home. I have
never felt so close and comfortable with a church family. I have never experienced anything like this
group of people that attend this church.
I see faith and I feel faith in every welcome, in every smile....faith
is everywhere and very much alive in this church, and feeling it, makes it more
alive in me.
After talking with Melissa about her new church, she seemed so
happy. I attended services with her as well and felt that feeling again that I
was missing so much. I felt such an obligation though to stay where I was as I
had only ever known that church!! I’d have to say that was one of the toughest
decisions I have ever had to make but I knew I needed to do this. I, as well as
Jaydan have found such amazing comfort here. This is where God wants us to be.
I have that feeling back!!! I have that feeling of an indescribable comfort and
complete bliss each and every moment I am here and I thank you all for that, WE
thank you all for that.
Our last and final moment that I’d like to share tonight is that God
has not only walked with us through so much but has proven that miracles can
really happen. Melissa and I have a sister between us, her husband who is my
age has not only battled cancer once, but twice and is currently battling
Leukemia. There were so many questions at that point when we first found out
but we knew that that is not where we needed to look but rather to what God CAN
do for him. He had a 15% chance of beating his bone cancer that he had a couple
years ago, and he did. He was diagnosed with Leukemia last June however and
began chemo. Last November he was hospitalized for complications due to chemo. His
life was left in God’s Hands. Then came
the point that he was told that there was nothing further they could do for him
but that he was to go home and live out his last few months in peace and
dignity. He is not only still with us, but enjoying life in the most inspiring
way. I truly, truly believe in the power of prayer!! I don’t believe
that he’d still be here without it!! I think our faith has never been stronger
as a family, instead of getting mad at God, we embrace what he has given us and
the understanding that time is so precious..be thankful for what you are giving
and love everything for what it is.
I guess to me, faith is knowing God is there for you. Knowing that God and your faith will always
be there for you, always there for you to rely on, to lean on and to trust in,
is one of the few things in life that can never be taken away from you. Faith is something to be proud of, it isn't
always easy to understand it, it isn’t always easy to recognize faith or
necessarily even easy to keep faith throughout the paths your life may take
you, but to have the trust in God and to have a strong faith, it is a feeling of
everlasting comfort that you will always be taken care of, there is always
something to lean on, something to pick you up and give you the strength to
continue throughout life’s journey.
‘ May the blessings of God rest upon you. May God's peace abide in
you. May God's presence illuminate your heart, now and forever more’.
So, as I said, everyone has a journey in life....what was yours?
I would like to thank my sister Jaime for helping me with this....bonus...this was a super easy blog to write, since 1. I had to write it anyway and 2. my sister wrote half of it for me :)
